Where do we go from here
by Lovealovestory
Summary: Hi, this is my first ever fan fiction so please be gentle. This takes place in episode 407 – Baby made a mess - after the phone scene between Olivia and Fitz It's written with the option to continue if anyone wants me too. Please give me any feedback you have, I'm new to this. I don't own the characters, just my love for them and Shonda
1. Chapter 1

Hi, this is my first ever fan fiction so please be gentle.

This takes place in episode 407 – Baby made a mess - after the phone scene between Olivia and Fitz

It's written with the option to continue if anyone wants me too.

Please give me any feedback you have, I'm new to this.

I don't own the characters, just my love for them and Shonda

407

…...

_He needed you_

_He was in pain_

_He wanted to die_

_He tried you know_

_Once…._

_…..._

_He said you tired to kill yourself_

_…..._

_I want to talk about what hope means_

_…..._

_I would like to discuss what Tom said_

_…..._

_Were you lying when you said there's hope?_

_…..._

_Come over here right now and prove it to me_

_…..._

_I'm very powerful you know. Some women would find that a turn on_

_…..._

_I'm in a giving mood tonight_

_…..._

_And then…_

_And then what?_

_That depends on how much hope there is._

_…..._

"Ugh" Olivia falls back on the bed. How does he do it. She wonders how he can make her weak at the knees just hearing his voice. He could turn her on by reading the phone book but just now… that was incredible. She wanted to hear more, she wanted to experience all her was offering but then suddenly Tom's words from earlier in the day snap her out of her lustful thoughts…

_He needed you_

_He was in pain_

_He wanted to die_

_He tried you know_

_Once…._

Her breathing quickens again but not as it had just done.

She picks up the phone, dials and waits for him to answer.

"Hi"

"Can you come to my place?"

"What?"  
>"Do you want to see me?"<p>

"Of course"

"Can you come here? Now. I heard you're very powerful. Can you make it happen?"

There's silence

"I'll be there in twenty"

The line goes dead.

Olivia starts to redial but stops. What was she thinking. Asking the President of the United States to rush over to his mistress's apartment late at night. She starts to redial again and once again puts the phone down.

He's on his way. She's done it now. This needs to be sorted. Here. Tonight.

Olivia goes into the kitchen, pours herself a glass of wine and waits.

Just over twenty minutes later there is a familiar knock at the door.

Olivia takes a sip of her wine before putting her glass down and opening the door.

"Hi" He smiles

Her heart skips a beat. There he is standing in front of her. She moves to the side letting him into her apartment.

"Hi" he repeats again walking towards her.

"Hi" she replies but moves back from his touch.

"Liv?"

She takes a deep breath "Fitz we need to talk"

His face changes. This can't be good. He was expecting to walk in, sweep her off her feet and make love to her all evening. He missed her, he wants her, he needs her. _We need to talk _is never a good sign.

"Fitz about what Tom said"

Fitz can feel his blood rising. He is no mood to discuss it and the alcohol from earlier is swishing around making his brain foggy and angry.

"Please tell me this is not what you asked me here for" His voice is raised making Olivia jump a little.

"Fitz" she almost pleads

"No" He walks past her towards the door but she grabs his arm making him turn to her.

"Fitz" She moves her hand down his arm and places it in his hand.

"There's hope" she whispers trying desperately to make him stay.

He can feel his body calming as her hand sits in his and those words… she knows just how to play him. He can't stay mad.

She slowly walks him over to the couch and sits down next to him her hand never leaving his as if she is afraid that if she lets go he will bolt.

"Fitz we need to talk about this"

"No Liv we don't. What we need to talk about is what "hope" means"

Liz pauses. She knows she needs him to tell her. They're never going to get past this unless they really talk.

"Fitz please" Her eyes are begging him and he looks down. He can't resist any request from her. His only hope is to not look at her.

"Fitz" She puts her free hand under his chin and lifts his face so he is once again looking at her "We need to talk about what Tom said…. Is, is it true?"

Fitz is silent for a while then pulls his hand out of Olivia's and stands up

"You left" he shouts feeling his anger rise again. Anger, sadness and the feeling of helplessness of her leaving coming back to him again.

His face is red "You left" he says again.

Olivia stands up "I had to"

"You had to?" he spits out at her. "You had to? Why did you have to?"

Olivia raises her voice to match his "Fitz your son had just died. Your son was murdered and at the time I thought it was MY mother who murdered him. Do you know what that feels like? To think that my mother had killed your child. Then there's my father who.. well. you know as well as I do what he has done and is capable of. And then there was Mellie's rape. My only thought was to leave. To leave and let you heal your family. To leave to protect you and to protect myself"

Fitz lets out a snort "Protect yourself? So it's all about you is it?" "You just decided to leave. You just decided that was what was best for you? For me? For us? You left and you didn't even bother to say goodbye. How selfish can you be Olivia"

"Selfish? I was doing this for you. For your family"

"You didn't even tell me you were going. You didn't give me a chance to change your mind"

"That's why I didn't tell you. You would have tried to talk me out of it and you would have succeeded. I couldn't take that chance. You needed to be with your family."

"I NEEDED YOU!" Fitz is now pacing back and forward, fists clenched.

He stops pacing "I needed you and you left me" he says in almost a whisper

Liv stops and looks at him. His face red, anger and full of hurt. She walks over to him and places her hand on the side of his face. She stares into his eyes.

Her touch, the look in her eyes breaks him.

Olivia walks away from him and sits on the couch. She pats the seat next to her gently, wordlessly begging him to follow her.

He does.

Once he's next to her she turns to face him and he sighs.

"When you didn't answer my calls I thought you just needed space. I waited for days. Calling every day. When Cyrus told me you had left I didn't believe him. I made the secret service bring me here."

He pauses for a moment "When I saw your stuff gone. You had left me. You had left without saying goodbye. I was furious, I was hurt and then it hit me Liv. You had gone. I didn't know where, I didn't know for how long. I didn't know if you were ok. I didn't know anything. Nothing. I felt helpless. "

He gets up from the couch and slowly walks around.

"A part of me died. I felt like you had died. Not only was I grieving for my son, I was grieving for you. The love of my life just disappeared. Gone. Except you didn't die you just chose to leave. To leave without even a goodbye. Without a forwarding address. Nothing!"

He continues walking, silent for a few moments. Not looking at her. He can't bare to see her face. He is angry and ashamed.

"I couldn't take it. I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted the pain of imaging a life without you gone"

Silent tears roll down Olivia's face as he continues.

"I have never felt that helpless in my life. I couldn't live without you. I didn't want to live without you. I took whatever I could find in the medicine cabinet and downed it with whatever alcohol I could find. I just wanted it over. A life without you is a life without living. I wanted it over."

Olivia can't move, her body in shock and knowing she caused this pain hurts her heart.

"If Tom hadn't found me….." he trails off

Fitz finally looks at Olivia and sees the silent tears rolling down her cheeks. He runs to her side kneeling in front of her.

She pushes him hard "Don't you ever do that again" is all she can get out between angry sobs

"Don't you ever leave me again" He throws back at her

They're both crying now. For the pain they've caused, for the shame, for the anger and imaging what could have been.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for your feedback and reviews I really appreciate it. Let me know if you want me to continue.

* * *

><p>They have both stopped crying and the room is quite apart from the odd sniffle.<p>

Neither knows what to do or say next.

Another few minutes pass before Olivia stands up and walks to the window.

Fitz stands in place not knowing what to do, too afraid to move.

Olivia turns to look at him. "Fitz look around my apartment"

Fitz looks from side to side then at her questioningly.

"I'm here" She says softly

"For now" he shoots back more harshly than he intended.

She shakes her head and he sighs.

"Liv, I get it, sort of. I'm trying to understand but I was so hurt, so scared, so wounded"

"I know Fitz but I had to go. I had to." She has told him all this before" You needed to grieve for your son. Your family needed you. Karen and Teddy needed their father and their mother. When their whole world was turning upside down, you all needed to be together. Your whole focus had to be your family. You did not need your mistress waiting in the wings."

"How many times do I have to tell you you're more than that, you're not my mistress. You're the love of my life and I needed you"

They're going in circles again.

"You needed the woman whose mother.. so we thought… had killed your son? Really? That's what you needed? Fitz at the hospital you couldn't even look at me. If I had of stayed and took your focus away from your family, you would have hated me even more"

"Liv I could never hate you."

Olivia is silent and Fit is getting angry again. She just doesn't get it.

"Olivia you can't pick and choose. You can't just take off. We're in this together you and I. YOU JUST LEFT" He shouts again anger rising. "You just left and.. nothing"

He's pacing back and forward and he's on a roll now. It's all tumbling out. "You left, you don't get it. You left ME… US. You could have said goodbye but I didn't even get that. I didn't mean enough to you for you to say goodbye."

Olivia is about to interject but he keeps going

"and then… then you come back and do I get a call? NO, no call, text, fax, email, carrier pigeon – nothing. So you leave for two months and then come back and still nothing!"

His voice is raised, his fists are clenched once again and he's pacing faster and faster

"Oh and then, I finally get you alone, finally and I ask if you were alone for those two month trying desperately to understand why you did this to us and you said you were alone. Oh but you weren't alone, you were with HIM. You left me and you lied to me. You lied about being on your own. You were with him, with the man who killed my son!"

Olivia is still silent. This is not the time for her to protest Jake's innocence. Fitz is furious and she knows he has a right to be.

"Liv why did you lie to me?"

Olivia is silent trying to think of the right thing to say that won't anger him more but her silence does just that.

"Liv how would you feel if I just left. Right now. I walk out of here and just disappeared. You don't know that I'm going, you don't know were I am and you don't know if I'm coming back. What if you wake up tomorrow and I'm gone. Would you even care? Would that hurt you?"

She pictures him leaving and the thought of that breaks her heart let alone him never returning. She suddenly gets it. Her tears start again.

Fitz is angry. Furious… but her tears… she hardly ever lets anyone see her vulnerable side. He can't deal with her crying. If his Livie is upset it kills him.

Once again they are crying in unison.

Fitz' tears of anger, frustration and at seeing his girl cry.

Olivia's at the realization that she pushed him too far. She did this to him, to them.

Fitz fear that this is it, it's gone too far for them to ever get back from this. Can he ever get over her leaving? Can he trust her again?

Olivia's arms are wrapped around herself. She head and heart pulling her in different directions. She wants to run from him, from the pain but also run into his arms, beg for forgiveness and have him hold her as she cries but she doesn't. She dries her tears. She always tries to be the strong one. She's putting up that front again. She's no good for him she thinks. There's no turning back.

As if he can read her mind he starts to close the space between them with his large strides.

He knows he has to get past this if they are to survive.

He walks up to her and puts his arms around, he hugs her tight. Her arms are still hugging herself struggling to let him in. He keeps hugging. They stand there wordlessly until she eventually lets her arms fall to her side and she allows him to really hug her. She allows her body to relax slightly into him and he tightens their embrace. He places a soft kiss on the top of her head as they continue to stand in silence.

Eventually Fitz lets go and the feelings sends a shiver down Olivia's spine. She can't read him. She doesn't know what to do. He's staring at her and it's unnerving. Is this it? Is he going to leave? Are we ok? Should she speak.

Then he gives her a small smile "Hi"

"Hi" she replies tentatively.

"There's hope" He uses her words to try to ease both their minds.

Olivia nods slightly "There's hope" but it sounded more like a question then a statement.

Fitz walks over to the coffee table and picks up her half empty wine glass. He takes a sip and then hands it to her. She gratefully accepts and finishes the glass before handing it back to him.

He chuckles lightly then he sighs. He is exhausted. His day, the alcohol from earlier, their fight. He's spent but he's not leaving, not until this is resolved.

"Round three?" He's trying to lighten the mood

She gives him a tiny smile.

They both stare at each other again. He can't take it anymore. The silence, the yelling, and then more silence. He doesn't know what to say but he's over their distance so he sits on the couch "come here" he commands.

She hesitates for a moment before doing as she's told sitting next to him. He pulls her legs up and puts them over his so she's sitting facing him.

He rests his hands on her legs and looks directly at her.

"Liv, do you…." He pauses preparing himself for the worst "Do you…us… I mean… " how does he word this "Do you still want Vermont?"

She knows what he's trying to say. He's not asking directly about Vermont, he's asking if she still wants him, still wants a future with him. If she still loves him.

"Fitz.." she begins but stops. She knows this can't be fixed with one word. She has to make him understand her. "Fitz it's not that simple"

His face turns white and she panics. She's doing this wrong so she starts blurting it out.

"Fitz I'm the other woman. Like it or not technically I am your mistress. No matter what we feel about each other I am not your wife. Fitz I don't belong to you. You have kids, you have Mellie. You are a father and a husband. I am a mistress. I hate that term but it's what I am and it's hard. This isn't an ultimatum.. This isn't her or me. I get it Fitz, you are a family, you have commitments as a husband, a father and as President. I get that. I'm just saying it's hard and sometimes it's too hard and I run. I run to my work, I run to Jake or I run away. I don't want you to break up your family, I don't want you to resign from office. I get it, I need to wait my turn….it's just hard sometimes"

Now it's his turn to understand. How could he not see it before. He's been so caught up in his own wants and needs and as long as he has the love of his life he's fine but he hasn't really thought about what it's really like for her.

"Oh Livie" he pulls her close. "I get it. I'm so so sorry"

"No it's fine, I just needed to get that out."

"Liv its not fine. If you are feeling this way you need to tell me, remind me. And you do belong to someone, you belong to me. We belong to each other. I know its tough but I want you Liv. I want us"

She pulls back to look at him "I still want Vermont" she says matter of factly. "I will always want Vermont"

He leans in slowly. This is their first kiss in months. He's scared she'll pull away. He lightly brushes his lips against hers and is relieved when he feels her press her lips harder against his. They deepen their kiss, tongues colliding and hands in each other's hair. After a few minutes they pull back breathlessly.

"Liv promise me you won't leave again" He knows he sounds weak and scared and needy but he needs to hear it

"I promise" she says sincerely. "Same goes for you"

He understands what she's referring to. "I promise" he replies. "Liv I'll make this work, us work. We'll have more time. We'll have Vermont"

She smiles knowing that she'll wait, she'll try harder to be patient. What's a few years when they have a lifetime in front of them.

He moves her legs off him "wait here" he walks out her front door before returning a minute later.

He walks back in as if nothing as happened "I'm exhausted so I'm going to stay the night. Is that OK?"

"Fitz you can't"

"Why can't I?" he asks smugly.

"You're the President of the United States for one, what about your wife waiting for you at home? What about the secret service?"

He chuckles "I am the President so what?, The President needs to sleep sleep. My wife and I don't share a room let alone a bed so I doubt she will know I'm even missing and I just spoke to the Secret service and they're fine. "

"Cyrus?" She raises her eyebrow.

He looks at his feet "Well….. I'll just have to leave early. As long as I'm back at the White House before he is I'm golden" He smiles.

She shakes her head. She's exhausted too.

"Fitz are you sure this is a good…" He cuts her off with a kiss

"I'm sure. Liv I want to be here. I need to be with you. I need to hold you all night. I need to make sure I put us first too… unless…. unless you don't want me to stay. I can go if you'd prefer?"

"Of course I want you to stay" she looks around for a moment "So, do you want the couch or will I?"

Oh so now she's a comedienne.

He picks her up and throws her over his shoulder "You Ms. Pope are coming to bed with me"

She's laughing, genuinely laughing and pretending to struggle from his grasp. He's got a tight hold on her and for the first time in months, he feels complete.

He puts her down on the her feet when he reaches her room.

He wants nothing more than to make love to her all evening but he knows she's exhausted because he is too. He doubts either one has had a proper nights sleep in months.

He strips down to his underwear and gets into her bed.

She does the same.

She's facing him and he pulls her close. He stokes her back. As they begin to drift off to sleep in each others arms he whispers "I love you Livie"

She snuggles in closer. He doesn't need her to say it, he knows she wants Vermont.


	3. Chapter 3

Authors note: Hi, Chapters 1 & 2 were following from episode 407 and while they could stand as just a two part story I will continue but the rest will be my own plot rather than following on from the show.

I hope that makes sense.

And because I'm still so new to this and I don't think I'm any good at writing other characters I'm just going to keep this Olivia and Fitz with a few others thrown in briefly.

Please feel free to send me any advice, criticism etc.. it's how I'll learn and improve

Thanks from a newbie :)

…...

Olivia woke slowly stretching and feeling refreshed for the first time in months. Falling asleep in Fitz's arms would never grow old and something she wished would happen more often.

She looks over at her clock 5:04am.

Olivia suddenly realizes she is in bed alone. She sits up and a slight panic rises in her.

Then she hears her bathroom door open and there he is and her heart starts beating faster, her mouth is suddenly very dry.

The President of the United States is walking back into her bedroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist.

"You're awake" He smiles as he walks over to the bed and plants a soft kiss on her lips. "Morning"

"M-morning" she finally gets out

"Sorry did I wake you? I thought I'd better get up and dressed and back in the Oval before you know who gets in." He runs his hands through her hair "Go back to sleep it's early."

She smiles "My bed is empty. I can't sleep any longer"

"I would love nothing more than to stay in your bed all day but…" He trails off sighing

"I know" she nods

She watches him as he quickly grabs his clothes and gets dressed. She's starring, she knows it but she can't look away. This man is her everything and she almost threw it away.

He turns round and watches her watching him. She is lost in thought "You ok there?" He chuckles

She blushes at being caught "Just admiring the goods"

He raises an eyebrow "and…?"

"Yeah I think you're okay"

"Just okay hey?" He fakes a look of hurt "How can I increase my approval rating?"

"Take it off" she laughs

Fitz starts unbuttoning his shirt to reveal his muscly chest

"Still just OK?"

"No, you're perfect" she smiles her radiant smile at him

"You're pretty perfect yourself" He walks back over to the bed doing up his buttons and kisses her again "I'm sorry Liv I have to go" he says apologetically

"I know"

He doesn't move.

So much was said last night, so many emotions so many words, so many promises. He needs to know that everything is all right, that she is all right. He can't leave until then.

"Fitz?" As if reading his mind, she can tell he's concerned "Are you okay?"

He looks at her trying to form the right words but she speaks before he can.

"Fitz I'm not going to run. I promise. I'm here, with you. We're okay"

He smiles lovingly at her. "OK good."

He doesn't want to leave but he has to, he begins to leave the room before turning back to her "I'll call you later. I love you"

He doesn't wait for her to reply as he walks out of her bedroom and out the front door. He knows she won't say it back. It's not her style and he's fine with that. She has told him before and she tells him in her own way. She wants Vermont.

…...

Sitting in the back of the car and on his way to the White House Fitz still has a feeling he can't shake. He plays their night over and over in his head

"_No matter what we feel about each other I am not your wife. I am your mistress"_

"_I get it Fitz, you are a family, you have commitments as a husband, a father and as President. I get that. I'm just saying it's hard and sometimes it's too hard and I run. I run to my work, I run to Jake or I run away."_

"_This isn't an ultimatum.. This isn't her or me"_

"_I need to wait my turn"_

He runs his hand over his face. It shouldn't be like this he thinks. I shouldn't have to sneak around and she shouldn't have to put her life on hold for me. He wants to give his girl the world. He wants to give her everything and right now all her can give her is a few stolen nights. She deserves better. This realization causes him to worry, what if she decides she deserves better too? Then he remembers her words from this morning

"_Fitz I'm not going to run. I promise. I'm here, with you. We're okay"_

He wonders for how long.

He wonders when the subject of Jake will return. When she will bring him up again.

At the thought of Jake he can feel his blood pressure rise. The man that killed his son. The man that took the love of his life. The thought of Jake organizing to kill his innocent child and then running away with his Livie and having her in ways he can't bare to think about. He punches the seat next to him and the agents all jump.

"Sir?"

"Sorry guys" He looks at them apologetically.

…...

Back in the White House Fitz picks up the phone and dials her number

"So when you said "I'll call you later" I didn't think you meant within the hour" she giggles

"I can't help it. I wanted to talk to you. I always want to talk to you. I have months of calls I missed out on and I want to use them"

Olivia is silent

"Sorry Liv I didn't mean that as a dig. I just meant I missed you"

"I know" she says trying to hide the concern. Will he ever be able to trust me again?

"So what are you doing now?" He changes the subject

"I'm about to head out the door to go to the office. How about you?"

"I'm in the Oval.. coast was clear. No one is the wiser"

"Good, good…..Fitz…"

He jumps in before she can finish "I can hear Cyrus coming down the corridor. I'll call you later"

"By later do you mean later or in an hour because I'm very busy Mister"

He laughs "I'll call you tonight" He hangs up smiling

It's almost lunch time and at OPA Olivia is sitting at her desk. Her mind keeps drifting back to their talk last night. The sadness in Fitz's eyes when he spoke of the pain her leaving causes makes her shiver. She vows to herself to try harder to make it better. Her thoughts turn to Jake and she mentally berates herself. How can she ask Fitz about him now. How can she make sure Jake is okay without upsetting Fitz? She puts her head in her hands.

After a while she sighs, lifts her head, puts her shoulders back and tries to get on with her day reviewing her latest client file.

When her phone rings she smiles "Hey is it night already? I mean the sun is still shining. Do you as President have the power to change day to night just so you can call me?"

"I have a plan" he blurts out not hearing anything she just said.

"To change the day around?" She jokes "Is this a new thing? Will everyone have to work on Presidential time now?"

"What?" He hasn't been listening

"Fitz?"

"I have a plan. A real plan, an 'US' plan"

"Oookkkayyy" she draws out. "so what does this plan entail" Olivia asks curiously

"I can't tell you"

"Fitz!" She doesn't whether to be concerned or if he's playing a game with her.

"No Liv I just needed you to know I have a plan. A real plan. A plan for us – you and I. I just needed you to know I heard you Liv and I want us. Just…. Just don't go anywhere Liv, wait for me" He says almost stumbling his words trying to get it out as quickly as possible

"Fitz" she says sadly "I told you I'm not leaving again. Ever. I'm not going anywhere OK. Please believe me"

"I do" he says sincerely "I just need you to know that I have a plan" he repeats again

"So do you want me to help with your plan. I'm very good at my job you know" She's trying to get him to play along but his head in elsewhere.

"No, I'll call you tonight after I've spoken to Mellie"

"Fitz, wait, what?"

"Liv do you trust me?"

"Yes but…"

"Then you have to trust me on this. I'm not asking Mellie for a divorce, I'm not resigning from office, I'm not going to do anything that will jeopardize my position, my kids, or us. Just please trust me. I have a plan"

"I do Fitz but this sounds… "

He cuts her off "Livie please"

She sighs "Ok. Call me as soon as you can tell me your plan"

"I will. I love you Olivia" and the phone goes dead.

Olivia sighs. She has an uneasy feeling about this.


End file.
